Every child knows the story of the ugly duckling. But it is almost always told wrong.
There never was an ugly duckling. There was a swan from the very beginning — nobody just happened to see it. Not the ducks on the pond, and least of all the swan himself.
That happens to people all the time. We walk through life carrying a verdict about ourselves that someone handed us at some point, and we treat it as a fact. Brené Brown coined a thought about this that has stayed with me for years: being imperfect and belonging are not opposites. You do not have to be finished to be worthy.
The impulse for this piece came from an article by Arvind Devalia on Tiny Buddha: https://tinybuddha.com/blog/8-simple-tips-to-bring-more-love-into-the-world/ — I read it, recognised myself in a few of the points, and rewrote it here in my own words and for my own daily life.
Where we waste our energy
We put a remarkable amount of effort into things we have no influence over. The weather. The delay. What other people think of us. And we put remarkably little effort into the one thing we really can control: how we behave when it is inconvenient.
On top of that sits the quiet assumption that there will always be a tomorrow. There will not necessarily be one. That is not kitchen-table philosophy, it is simply how things stand — and the reason it is worth looking at what actually counts in the end.
From where I stand, exactly one thing counts: how we treat the people who matter to us. Not the size of the house, not the bank balance, not the company figures. I have been building businesses for more than twenty years and have digitalised thousands of companies — I know how seductive numbers are, because they can be measured. Relationships cannot. And they are still the thing that remains.
Love here is not what retailers try to sell us every February. Twelve overpriced roses are not an attitude. What is meant is something far less spectacular: attention in everyday life, including when it costs you something.
Where love disappears at the decisive moment
Looked at honestly, every one of us can list moments when we were not the person we wanted to be. Impatient with our own parents, loud with our own children, hurtful towards employees because the day had already gone badly. The moments you cannot take back.
The common denominator is almost always the same: a lack of self-awareness. Whoever acts on impulse only notices afterwards what they have done. Whoever can watch themselves boiling over has a choice.
That is exactly what can be worked on. Not with grand resolutions, but with a few very concrete moves.
Eight ways to bring more love into the world
1. Ask the one-year question. When a conflict is brewing: will I still be talking about this a year from now? In nine cases out of ten the answer is no. Then it is not worth it either.
2. Step outside before you say something that sticks. Distance is not evasion. A sentence said in anger takes three seconds and sometimes accompanies a relationship for years.
3. Swap roles. How would I want to be treated if I were in their place? And then act exactly that way — ideally a shade more generously.
4. Remember that everyone was once small and helpless. The difficult customer, the brusque colleague, the stubborn teenager: all of them were once a child everyone believed in. That changes your tone.
5. Look for the best in the other person. Everyone acts according to what they know and what is available to them. Assume that, and you look for solutions instead of blame — and usually find some.
6. Learn from broken relationships instead of writing them off. What was my share in it, and what will I do differently next time? It is uncomfortable, but it is the only question that changes anything.
7. Consult your role models. What would the person I respect most, professionally and as a human being, do in this situation? That creates distance from your own anger within seconds.
8. Make it your job. Not as a New Year's resolution, but as a basic attitude. Two questions are enough: what would love do right now? And how do I bring more of it into the world?
The way forward
As a Hap-Ki-Do trainer I regularly stand in front of groups of children, and every time it is the same reminder: children do not judge by how much someone can do, they judge by how they are treated. Adults work the same way at heart — they have just stopped saying it so plainly.
There never was an ugly duckling. There was a swan who needed a while to notice. With most of the people I meet, it is exactly the same.